Say Their Name

This Saturday is Red Nose Say Their Name Day, a day set aside to raise awareness of pregnancy, infant and child loss, and to support the families who live with it.

The loss of a child is a tragedy of a kind most of us hope never to understand. In the midst of it, the support of friends and family matters more than almost anything. And yet, when we have never lived through that loss ourselves, we often have no idea how to offer it.

Our instinct is usually to give bereaved parents space. We worry we will say the wrong thing, so we say nothing at all. We avoid mentioning the baby, in case we cause pain. But when everyone follows that same instinct, the result is a kind of silence that can leave grieving parents profoundly alone, with no one willing to speak about the child they love and miss.

To acknowledge someone's grief, you first have to acknowledge who was lost.

With the help of a very dear and very strong friend, who lost their son Alexander two years ago, I have put together four things worth holding onto when you are supporting someone through this.

1. Acknowledge their existence

Say their child's name. Ask about them. Ask about the birth, listen to the answer, and look at the photographs and videos if you are invited to. A baby who has died is still their baby, and still part of their family. Naming that child out loud is one of the most meaningful things you can do.

2. Remember them

Mark their birthday, or their due date. Share your own memories of them where you have them. Grief does not fade neatly with time, and neither should the memory of the child. Being remembered by others, long after the rest of the world has moved on, is a profound comfort to a bereaved parent.

3. Stay mindful of unintentional triggers

When friends and family are in their own childbearing years, the reminders can be everywhere. Stay gentle and aware. Even warm, well-meant comments can land painfully. Where you can, send pregnancy announcements by text rather than in person, and leave out the images (ultrasounds, bump photos, newborn pictures) unless you have been asked for them. This is not about walking on eggshells forever. It is about small kindnesses that spare unnecessary pain.

4. Respect their grieving process

There is no textbook for grief, and no right way to do it. Everyone grieves differently, and everyone deserves the room to grieve in the way that works for them. Respect the decisions a bereaved parent makes along the way. If they don't feel able to hold your newborn, or they decline an invitation to a christening or a birthday party, understand that they are keeping themselves safe. Support that choice rather than questioning it.

So this Saturday, and every day after it, say their name.

If you would like to learn more about supporting bereaved parents, Red Nose offers excellent resources here.